The One with 100 Percent

IMG_2014IMG_2029IMG_2025It always goes that our babies teach us our biggest lessons – how to live and love (at least that’s what I’ve heard). Our sweet Luna teaches us a lot about patience and play, and this weekend was no exception. We drove her back to her first home and favorite spot on earth – the turf at Boys Latin. She ran wild and free, chasing down frisbees and lacrosse balls until she plumb worn out. She was in her element and was darn good at it. There’s something about seeing someone (even puppy people) firing on all cylinders that makes you realize when you’re not. If I had to venture a guess, I’d say I’m running at 90% capacity. I’m juggling this new season reasonably well, but there’s a fog some days that reminds me I’m not maxing out my potential or living my best.

In total honesty, operating at 100% sort of scares me. Most days I’m not sure I have the energy to be that on, and so I hold back a little for fear of burning out. That is, of course, when I try and do it all myself. I always thought that I should be a self-sufficient individual and that anything less than all-on-my-own would somehow be weak. And I used to live in the fear that someone would discover my secret – that I’m not actually that strong and instead I’m sort of terrified. I consistently fail at doing it myself and I need the help of a whole village. I need the support of family, encouragement of friends, and grace of a perfect Savior.

I’m learning the freedom in asking for help, in admitting my fears and weaknesses, and praying into them instead of running from them. When I give over my worry, I slowly make room for more – more people, more joy, and more hard and holy work. And when I shake off my own stubbornness I can be fueled by grace and love, which makes me less afraid. I’m shaking off the cobwebs and praying myself awake.

 

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