I’m starting to see a trend here and it’s that I never quite get into the appropriate holiday spirit.
I’m always on board with the people and the food, but I never get totally into the reason for the season, if you will. Last thanksgiving I wrote about how difficult it was to feel thankful. And this Easter, I’m note sure I’m adequately in touch with the power of the resurrection. On a holiday that represents what my life hangs in balance of (that is, grace and redemption), I’m instead feeling green with envy.
It all began with dreaming about a house (there’s always a house, isn’t there?) and then the yard and then the dog and it sort of spiraled from there. I daydreamed for a solid week until I remembered all of the valuable things we learned in Financial Peace University. A house isn’t in the cards for us right now. It’s more important that we focus financial efforts elsewhere, specifically retirement funds and savings and a fat down payment on a better house down the road. This is perfectly logical and reasonable, but my heart feels sad about not having that small slice of dream right there. What’s more, is that I’m watching (and celebrating) others have these things, the ones we have to say no to for now – the houses and the puppies (I think the puppies are the hardest, especially on the tall husband). And it doesn’t always feel fair, and I don’t always pull away from my pity parties as quickly as I should. So my Easter thoughts get pushed aside.
My solution to selfishness (because that’s all jealousy is, anyways) is firstly this – to count my blessings. The biggest blessing The Lord has bestowed upon me on this earth is my husband. God doesn’t owe me a husband, but he gave me one even still. Joe is my person, and while those words seem so simple, they mean everything to me. I have an incredible family, complete with three amazing parents, one darling puppy brother, and loving in-laws. I have a wonderful community where I live, one that tops even the community I had at college. I have a job, two actually, and I am learning so much through my students and co-workers. I have my health and the ability to worship The Lord every single day. Identifying the good things in my life helps to stop a downward spiral. The thing that truly restores me is knowing and resting in who I am in Christ. There’s a pretty great and wise book entirely full of reasons why God cares for me and why he is worthy of all my praise. By turning to him I find love and purpose and worth, the rest is just icing on the proverbial cake. First, find the good, then find The Lord. I just might spend the rest of forever repeating these two steps.
This Easter, instead of being caught up in my own jealous thoughts, I choose to be brought to my knees by these two things – that Christ loves me and conquered sin and death for me, and that even in my own weakness, he continually showers me with grace.